no bullshit

This is probably the longest I have gone since I moved abroad without doing any writing at all. Something about coming back to Asia as the place I have responsibilities and opportunities has been a bit of a mind fuck and I am taking some time to figure some things out when it comes to my career, writing, teaching, traveling and everything in between. I didn't start this blog to brag about how great my life is or show only the wonderful parts of living abroad. I always want to be honest and any faithful readers of my blog know how difficult the past year has been for me. While things are still the same, (in someways a bit worse as now I am actually really broke and don't have steady work yet) my mindset is starting to change and I can see and feel it happening. Still too soon to say I am totally content and satisfied with life, but I have had ALOT of time to think lately and I think I am getting there.

I am not sure how I ended up a 20 something teacher, a profession I have fallen into and am starting to actually like! I have always been told that those who cannot do, teach. I want to change the world, make a place where I would feel safe having a family and knowing there will be clean air and water to breathe in 100 years. A peaceful and understanding place that I envision and try to demonstrate to my students everyday. A place that feels further and further from reality each day. Maybe, just maybe, this is how I am supposed to leave my mark on the world, the only way to leave a lasting impression that might be for the better. Maybe what I need to be doing with my life has been right under my nose the whole time.

Mostly, I haven't been writing, because I don't know what to say. My life is quite mundane lately and if I try to write one more post on how to find part time work and live off of 100 baht a day, I might lose it. I can't seem to organize my thoughts and this big scary city leaves me feeling drained and alone by the end of the day and writing down all that seems too daunting. I have always written my honest opinion about being an expat and you can read about all the challenges I have faced so far, but I thought that things might get easier over time.  While I am much more used to the culture and can manage with my little Thai, different obstacles and hardships always present themselves, it is all about whether or not I can stand up to the challenge!

It's hard to make good, real friends. With people coming and going from this country to that constantly, it can be difficult to make and maintain real, trusting friendships here, and more times than not you are left disappointed. Most people that leave their home country to live abroad do have the trait of being a little undependable but being able to talk to people that understand and relate to you is harder than it should be. While this may just be a fling before real life begins for some, I am starting to realize that this IS my real life and having good friends is an important part of life for me. It may be harder to find meaningful connections here but this problem has taught me to really appreciate the good friends that I do have and for this, I am thankful.

If you don't like teaching, you better have a very marketable skill. While I finally starting to find my groove in teaching and am even considering making a career out of being a traveling teacher, it sometimes can be discouraging trying to anything else to make a living here. While teaching is much different and better than being a server like I was in America, it sometimes feels hopeless when I realize teaching is all I can really do. I am teaching rich kids for the money and resume filler while I try to get by everyday. I guess I just expected to have it figured out by now, what I want from life, what I want to give to it. Now, I wonder if I will ever have it figured out! Seems unlikely.

Visas  If the legal process for living as an expat and getting the proper visa's to live and work here weren't so difficult,  I wouldn't mind living abroad forever! You never realize how difficult it is to live in a country that is not your home and how much money, time and resources the process requires until it is too late. Soon we will be going to Cambodia on a visa run and then hopefully the long, drawn out process of getting a immigrant visa and work permit will begin, a ordeal that will cost practically 2000 usd when all said and done as well as tons of paperwork and trips to the immigration office, just for ONE year of legal residency in Thailand.

Somedays you just don't want to face the heat and the masses. Thailand, and Bangkok especially, can be a hot, smelly, crowded, overwhelming place at times and some days it can be hard to face a packed subway ride, hot walk and dodging people on the streets to get where you are going. Some days it is just easier to stay home rather than brave the world. I don't remember this feeling as strongly in other places but I think it is all part of the charm of the city. While some days I don't look forward to my busy commute, other days I turn on my happy music and try to look at the city through new eyes, some that appreciate the magnificence of this modern, cultural city!

In the end, I like to remind myself that while my life might feel difficult at times, it is not because of where I live, if I lived in America, I would have other problems that would be totally different but just as troubling and stressful (if not more).  Now I am currently in the denial stage where I am just trying to not think about anything (but in reality end up thinking about everything all the time) and take it one day at a time. My two best friends will be here in TWO weeks (!) and I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am to travel around this beautiful country with them and really enjoy life! I watch a lot of documentaries about how terrible the world is to remind myself how good I have it and I honestly hate being this middle class white girl who lives in paradise complaining about life. I don't want to justify myself, but I don't want to come off sounding like I am ungrateful or unhappy, I just felt an urge to write today for the first time in a while and am trying to organize my thoughts to be comprehensible to myself and relatable to others. I know I am not the only person who feels lonely or sad or disappointed or curious about the point of it all but sometimes when I am sitting here over thinking everything, trying to wrap my head around it all,  it sure feels that way.

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now what?

It's hot and sticky on this Thursday afternoon, the heat blares down on you and you're instantly glistening with sweat on your hair line. Stop walking for too long and the heat catches up to you and you have to duck into a 7-11 to cool down in the AC and buy a cold drink. It would almost be a glamorous day, hopping the skytrain, dressed to impress, heading to interviews around the city in tall, impressive buildings, listening to my favorite tunes along the way. Some shopping and lunch in between meetings makes me feel like this small town girl has really made it in the big city.

Until I realize I have no money to buy anything, just barely a Subway sandwich. Yes, it would almost be glamorous except I am just a sweaty, tall, blonde mess with hair sticking out everywhere and a little mustard on my skirt from eating my sandwich on the steps of a mall.

It does sort of take your breath away when you ride into the city from the far out "extension" line to soaring, shiny skyscrapers, with huge ads and brilliant gold domes. Bangkok is like no other city I have been in and I can't imagine many cities are like it, it is a contraction within itself, a beast with it's own heart. Do I love it here? Hell no. Do I hate it? Hate is a strong word. It is hard to figure out the madness here but maybe once you do, it becomes all worth it. We all just want to feel apart of something bigger don't we?

The life of an English teacher has taken me down a strange path. I have worked in various places now and know what I want and what I am looking for. I am very hirable with my experience (and white skin) and can get what I want if I just have patience and perseverance. That, at least, is the motto I say into the mirror when I wake up to an empty inbox every morning. I am not sure if Thailand is the place for me, I am not sure if I even have a place anymore or if I need to find it. It is time for another big life decision, though really all my decisions seem to be as far sighted as the US congress's postponement of the inevitable.

I have not worked since December, had an amazing whirlwind trip back in America, and now spend my days hiding from the sun, sweating like mad when I do go out, showering and again returning to our climate controlled place in the world we call home these days, searching the internet for different ventures but getting distracted scrolling through the wanted ads on craigslist. No matter how nice my cardigan sweater looks, my red, glowing face streaked with eyeshadow gives me straight away. Sure I'll slap on a smile and tell  you how much I love kids (I really do!) but really at the end of the day I am just trying to find a way to get from day to day, to finance this mid-20's crisis I seem to going through to figure out where I want to come out in the end.

But, now what?

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Back to Asia: a packing list

When I first moved to Korea, I read countless blogs about what to bring when you move to South Korea... most of them were helpful but of course, we all have different needs and as Western influence drives further into the eastern hemisphere, things change rapidly. (Also, Thailand is quite different than Korea and has much more available so my list might be twice as long if I were going back to Korea.)

I will be going back to Asia indefinitely and am trying to figure out what changes need to happen in my life, so being prepared for the unexpected is my goal. I love clothes a little too much so most of these are admittedly ridiculous and not entirely necessary, America is a much better place to shop when your a western (sized) woman. Anyways, these are the things I have deemed essential enough to bring in my 100 kg on the long way back to Thailand.

• Shoes - I am a shoe girl. I don't feel dressed unless I have the right shoe for the occasion, wth many times in Thailand that being no shoes at all. Last year when we escaped from the floods in Thailand, I left all my shoes on the floor of our first floor apartment and all my shoes were ruined. Since I am able to put that in perspective to how lucky we were to have only lost our shoes, I went out searching for new ones to replace them. Obviously. Not. My average size 9 shoe size (in America) is apparently above average in Thailand. Finding shoes anywhere there is a nightmare, size 40? No have. Unfortunately for my credit card, I have gone to so many stores with my size fully in stock lately and my shoe collection is no longer struggling, though SE is rough on all things that touch the ground. My number one tip for going to SE Asia: Bring Shoes, and hold on to them for dear life. 
• Underwear - I am neither a stripper nor a grandma, so it seems Thailand doesn't have much of a selection for regular girls like me. Sure, I can go to CentralWorld if I am in a pinch but I am a snob when it comes to panties (yup, I said it) and like the sweatpants all say, I ♥ Pink. The secret is that they offer international shipping but there is nothing like the feeling of putting your hands over hundreds of soft, brightly colored, perfectly placed panties with a bunch of other women. Stock up. 
• Deodorant - While I am a recent convert to spray deodorants, I still need a good invisible solid for those extra hot days (everyday) in Thailand. Nivea has some decent products in Asia but I really prefer Dove when it comes to smelling fresh and clean. It is also not cheap nor easy to find in Thailand, especially outside of Bangkok. Westerners sweat way more than Asians, fact. Don't know why but its true, we stink. Your gonna sweat a lot, be mindful of others!
• Whitening toothpaste - The toothpaste sucks in Asia. It tastes funny, doesn't usually say anything in English and I have really been enjoying the whitening Crest here in America. I am bringing back 5 tubes. If you are gone long enough you will run out and I usually use the Colgate or whatever there but I have heard rumors of missing ingredients, yet I will never know. Dental care is cheap in Thailand but don't get stuck in the middle of nowhere with no toothpaste! 
• A huge bottle of ibuprofen - You can only buy this over the counter life saver (migranes, cramps, hangovers, it does it all!) in packs of 8 or so at pharmacies all over Thailand. Thats fine when your in dire need but I take it for all my ailments (sorry, liver) and need it in higher dosages than 200 mg. I don't condone the use of so much chemical drugs but I am a really annoying sick person. 
• body spray - I love a good mist of body spray before I enter the world but finding cheap, good quality spray is difficult, even in Bangkok. I went to a victorias secret sale and bought a couple bottles of lovely body spray for really cheap. (Why, WHY is that place not in Paragon?) It's nice to have a light mist of lavender on a sticky, smelly southbound bus. 
• jeans - Honestly I wear jeans almost never in Thailand, it is just too freaking hot, but jeans are still something everyone needs to have. I only have one or two good pairs right now so I need to go to Buffalo exchange to find some quality used ones before I go back. (But all I really want to buy is bathing suits!) We just don't have the same body type as Asian women and any hips can be hard to cover in Thai sized pants. I rock the elastic waist hard these days. 
• electronics - I wouldn't plan on most electronics being cheaper in Asia just cause it is made there. That is what I initially thought but things are generally cheaper on websites like Amazon or craigslist in America than they are in the markets and are far more reliable. I have heard many stories of people getting ripped off and some of good deals. It's hard to say really, just depends on where you go but I always buy my electronics from America. (Thats not living very locally is it? Shame.)

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the northwest is really cold.

Oh yeah, I forgot. I knew coming here in February was going to be a challenge for my Thai ass, but I had no idea what I was really in for! It has been a long, cold 10 days in the NW but I have had a wonderful time visiting my hometown, the Oregon coast and Missoula Montana. Thanks so much to my fun family for showing me a wonderful time at home!  Eating delicious homemade meals, catching up with family and friends from my younger years and meeting my new family in Eric's hometown has been the perfect winter I never knew I needed. I love being warm and even though I am as excited as ever to head to the beach again, bundling up in sweaters and socks has been kinda nice since I have been enduring this mid 30's weather. We fly back to Arizona tomorrow and I can't wait to thaw out and relax for the few remaining weeks in America. I don't know what waits for me exactly when I get back to the Land of Smiles but I have a good feeling that things will work out just perfectly. 

be well world!

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west coast

I am a west coast girl at heart (except I do prefer Biggie's rhymes) and I am proud of it. I was born in Long Beach, California, grew up in the Pacific NW, went to school in Arizona and have no desire to ever live on the east coast. People are always surprised when I tell them I am from America but have never been to New York, and while I love traveling and seeing new places I will always love the west coast and hope to one day to live out my existence in the quiet mountains, with no one else around.

The thing I love about America and notice most when road tripping through the west coast is all the open space. I haven't seen so much space with nothing in it for a long time and breathing the fresh air and looking for miles into the distance is a wonderful feeling when you have been gone for so long. I love living in Asia for the moment, the lights, smells, people are all invigorating. Home is the best place when your tired, which I am right now; yet all the fresh air, wide open spaces and good old American ignorance is really recharging my traveling soul!

So far on my trip in America I have gotten to travel quite a bit, we flew into LAX and spent the  weekend in Venice Beach drinking good beer and strolling along the beach with my best friends. (Thanks, Cammie and Court!) I am so thankful my amazing friend Courtney and her boyfriend are letting me crash at their house while I am here (which is a long time, I hope they don't get sick of me!) and I have gotten to enjoy American TV, eat all my favorite comfort foods and enjoy the cool winter weather in Phoenix. We just got back from a road trip up to Vegas (and have another one in the works) where I lost all my money but had a ton of fun and got to watch the sunrise over the strip. Life is real nice.

The west coast of America is probably pretty close to the size of SE Asia so even though I only get one stamp on my passport, traveling here is no small feat. My friends and family have been so amazing while I have been here, so fun, generous, hospitable, and I can't say how thankful I am to have such great people in my life! Arizona is the place I miss when I am away so I am spending most of my time here and will head up to the frigid north by plane, because this country is just too damn big. 

I also have a NW trip planned for later in February, to visit Portland, my small hometown in Washington and then a trip to Missoula to visit my new family and be reunited with Eric. I still have a little over a month in the states before we head back to Thailand and lots to do, eat and see! I will be flying into Portland spending some time with family and am excited to take the train to Montana, my favorite mode of travel, to see my new family... American adventures can be awesome, even though they might cost a little more. I have been doing well on my budget of 200 USD per week though Vegas hurt me a bit. Lets hope I am a little luckier on my next trip...

Some photos of my trip so far....

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layover - part 2

Being a frugal traveler, I always try to take advantage of my travel plans to make the most of international travel and after an amazing day in Shanghai during a layover on my way to Vietnam, when I booked tickets to America and had the opportunity for a long layover in Beijing, I jumped at it. China is a unique country to travel in and tourist visas for Americans are very expensive, so these layovers are the perfect way to see some of the infamous sights on a budget!

Previously I had read you could not get a transit visa in Beijing, but the laws changed literally weeks before our planned layover and you are now able to easily leave the airport for 72 hours or less as long as you have proof of a ticket out of the country within the time period.  After exiting the plane, to your left in immigration you will see a big sign for these transit stamps and will just go through those immigration lines, unless you arrive in the middle of the night like we did. We were quite confused how to do it but after asking the one of the two open immigration officers, we got the correct stamp and were out in the real Chinese world! At two AM in the middle of winter. It was not ideal. After a few cold hours in the luggage claim terminal trying not to go all the way out of the airport, we realized there was a nice warm terminal you can relax in just beyond customs. Don't make the same mistake.

Once the sun came up we left the airport and went to the Airport express line that connects to the cities subway system, and let me tell you, coming from Thailand, China in the winter is quite the shock. It was freezing! I mean like beyond cold, I practically turned around and went back into the warmth of the domestic departures terminal to continue my Chinese people watching. Instead I forged ahead and braved the cold to explore the ancient capital and make the most of my 20 hour layover.

The subway was pretty easy to figure out and we got off at the tian'anmen east stop to get to the square and there were tourists everywhere, even though it was about 2 degrees outside. Once into the square, it was well, as big open space with some monuments and tourists taking pictures. That's about all. It was still early and the whole city was covered in a thick layer of fog, or so we thought (a few days later we learned that Beijing was off the charts for the pollution in the air on the day we visited.) I am glad that I saw it, but it was so cold, we couldn't even imagine walking around the forbidden city without a coat (we live in Thailand, we were NOT prepared) and we went to find some dumplings and call it a day.

That was our day in Beijing, while definitely not my favorite city in the world, I love adding stamps and memories to my travel book, especially when it is basically free! I have gotten to see two Chinese cities without ever paying 250 dollars for a visa, quite resourceful if I do say so myself...

Beautiful, smoggy, dirty Tiananmen Square

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shock//culture

Greetings from the good ole' USA! It has been a whirlwind since arriving back on American soil and honestly it has been so great seeing my friends and family (and going to Target) that I have barely been able to wipe the smile off my face or even think about writing. But finally a day of respite, before the weekend in America begins and some time to finally sit and breathe and reflect on the past week's events. This trip was a little bit of a last minute idea, and when I realized I was able to make it work I was both excited and anxious about my holiday in a place I used to call home, in just over a month. Now that it is actually happening, I am enjoying being jobless in America more than most people yet I am also looking forward to heading back to the big mango where my real life waits. Life is funny like that sometimes, isn't it?

At the end of 2012 I quit my job, bought a ticket to America, lived at the beach, bummed around Bangkok and prepared mentally to go home. Since last week at this time I have visited Tiennanmin Square in China, flown across the world (my arms sure are tired) and traveled 60+ hours to be sitting right here on my best friends couch eating a real pickle, with some of my oldest and closest friends within driving distance (not that I have a car.) It is a humbling feeling to know you are doing exactly what you should be doing at that exact moment. This is the perfect place for me right now, with my future ahead of me and this moment right now.

The word I would use to describe my time back home thus far is overwhelming. There is so much going on and I have sensory overload with all the English everywhere.  Asia seems to be losing its luster because even though there is way more to look at in Bangkok, I am sick of spicy and very much enjoying bland food, mid 70's weather, and being about to communicate.

A few preliminary thoughts about the reverse culture shock I am experiencing here at home...

• Diversity! Everyone looks like me, except they don't, it is just that everyone is not Thai so no one is staring at me! How refreshing! This does also mean no one calls me beautiful on a daily basis which is always nice to hear, but I suppose my ego could use a break. 
• English. Everywhere. I can read all the signs to know what every place offers at their establishment. Convenient. I am easily swayed by advertisements and commercials, every deal sounds like the best deal ever and I can read the ingredients in what I am eating! Novel. I forgot how easy it is to live in a place where you speak the native language, it is the little things you take for granted! 
• Everything is so beige and clean. The roads are all perfect and smooth, the houses are all clean and huge and everything looks the same, one intersection to the next. Perfect, middle class mediocracy is what America does like no other place in the world. Predictability can be a nice change. 
• Again, with the English, and this might sounds kinda weird. Being able to talk to my server when out to eat, small talk with the guy behind the counter at the store, or just random people that are strangers is weird. Really weird. For almost 3 years, every interaction I have had in public  from the post office to my colleagues at work have been mostly in a different language and are usually very awkward. Having to say "thank you" to my server who just understood my order completely instead of saying the same dish name over and over and"ka puen ka" with a little bow is hard to get used to. 
• There is so much variety! When it comes to most western foods, I take what I can get in Asia, but grocery stores here have about 10 different flavors for every kind of food and it is all something I am used to and probably enjoy. There are no weird pig feet hanging from the ceiling at the grocery store and all food is expensive, not just in the "foreign food" section. There is so much to choose from I feel like a kid in a candy store, sometime literally!
• Traveling is much more difficult in America, the country is just so massive! I am trying to do some travel in the NW and would like to try something a little more fun than flying, 
• If anything, it is exactly the same as I remember it and basically life goes on here, just as it does in any part of the world, which I take away as the most important thing I have learned from my time living abroad, while it may be easier to live in my home country, I'm living either way. 

If you enjoyed reading this post please follow me on twitter and like One Day I'll Fly Away on facebook! peace&love

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