March 28, 2012

honestly...

Wow, it has been almost a month since I last posted, how sad! I started this blog to document, capture and share my memories of my expat lifestyle and I have been slacking. I have opened my laptop several times in the past month, I have even started to write a few posts but lost inspiration and found a mindless task to do instead (even this post has taken me weeks to complete, not okay.) I have had really a hard time figuring out what it is inside that I want to get out and what I want to do with my writing lately. I have been writing about stupid boring tourist shit or posting cute pictures of my students and no one gives a crap, including me. I love to write, it is the point of my blog, obviously, and I am failing. So I think it is time to just come out with it, to be honest, to simply write and let it flow, no edits, just my feelings and emotions on this day, right now.

I may live in Thailand, and post all these wonderful pictures and post about how much I love my life but that is not the whole story. I am not very happy at my job, it exhausts me with the workload as well as the terrible politics of the management and leaves me little time to do much more than eat and sleep during the week. Of course I can always find a new job but at this point my responsibility to my students is too much as I can actually see them learning and improving from my teaching, and they really are the reason I make it through each day. Other than work 45 hours a week I spend a lot of time at my suburban apartment, watching obscene amounts of American shows on my new flat screen TV while browsing Pinterest on my new macbook. I have bought into the consumerist and sedimentary lifestyle that I tried to escape in America and it is sucking the adventure out of me. As un-glamorous and pathetic as it is, it is the truth and I have got to turn it around and do something about it.

I don't want to complain - I am sick of bitching out the position I am in, and in the grand scheme of things, it is not such a bad  place to be, I mean honestly, who complains about living in Thailand? When I planned on moving here, I thought (knew!) I was just going to love Thailand, how could I not? Well, maybe I am just homesick (it will be two years out of the US very soon) or maybe I just had no idea what I was getting myself into, but while Thailand maybe paradise to visit, it isn't the best place in the world to live. I feel as if this infatuation I had with Asia is wearing off and I don't want it to! Instead of beautiful beaches and cheap yummy food, I mostly think of how much I am getting ripped off because I am white,how I cannot eat anymore crappy, dry rice and how bizarre it is that I live in a country where I cannot speak everything that is on my mind. I am such a spoiled American with my so called "freedom of speech" that I think I am entitled to...

I have been in a very negative mindset lately and I am really trying this time, instead of running and blaming my situation like I usually do, to grow up, learn to flourish where I am planted, see the good side of things, even though it may just be easier to find a job in Peru and never look back. There are so many amazing things in my life and I am so beyond lucky I even find it bizarre that I can feel so unsatisfied.

Mostly what all this rambling and crying is trying to say that I know my blog sucks right now, I have all kinds of stuff going on that I could write about but I just can't seem to find the motivation. Stick with me while I search for it, within myself, and get back to, or be better than I was before. Sometimes this living abroad can  be overwhelming, every little thing is a challenge and it can wear a girl down. Maybe I should buy a motivational quotes calendar to help boost my morale! (Maybe not...)

Will be back to writing again soon I hope, wish me luck!

-missing all my loved ones in the East and West - Pin It

3 comments:

  1. I think sometimes we, as expats, expect our lives to be exciting, adventurous and glamourous all the time. But the reality is that, despite being abroad, mundane or regular worries can still reach us. Keep your chin up, think about when you can next take a vacation, or visit home. You're just going though a rough patch. It won't last forever and it's perfectly natural so don't beat yourself up about it too much, :-) I've totally been there as well, you're not alone! xx

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  2. My heart broke for you as I read this post. I can understand exactly how you are feeling, and yet I have no idea what exactly to say to help...

    I wrote about it. I can look through the archives of my blog and pinpoint exactly the months when I was feeling similar to you. Instead of interesting and entertaining stories about the beautiful places and wonderful life changing experiences I was having, I wrote about my struggles with the language, culture and gender rolls. I have an entire month dedicated to my "bitch in Senegal" series (which ironically are my most popular posts)

    I wish you luck in finding a way back to positivity. I hope that you can find it in Thailand but if it means making plans to leave and find another place that excites and inspires you than DO IT! Flowers don't just bloom where they are planted. The need good soil for their roots and sunlight for their petals. If you aren't finding that where you are then the shameful thing would be NOT to leave. Best of luck. You know I'm one of your biggest fans.

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  3. Ruth and Melanie, Thanks so much for your kind words, I know my fellow bloggers will always know the right thing to say and understand what I am feeling.

    Mel, I also loved your bitch in Senegal posts and appreciate your honesty on your blog, people may think that our lives are so lovely all the time, and while we they may be pretty rad it definitely not always easy. Flowers do need these other vital things to grow they will die if they don't have them. Thanks for reminding me. You know your one my my biggest inspirations :)

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