November 24, 2012

i have no idea what i am doing

I have been a terrible blogger lately, I know, but it doesn't really matter does it? It's not like I have been just sitting on my ass and doing nothing this past month and no body really cares about my any "excuses" I might have. Well, at this point I think I have to write through them to even understand what is going on in my life at this point. Today, this thundery Saturday in the outskirts of Bangkok, is the first time I have had time to just sit down and think and I realize finally, I have no idea what I am doing.

First of all, I quit my job. I have been planning to do so for a while as I already getting worn down by teaching and I am just not built to sit behind a desk for that many hours a week (I work better laying on pillows.) Yesterday was my students graduation and as cute as they were in their little caps and gowns, I finally got to breathe a sigh of relief that I made it through this year without ripping my hair out. I love kids but I am not sure if I am the full time teacher type. So that raises the question, well if you don't teach when you live abroad, what do you do to make money? Well, I am glad you brought that up because I have no idea!

At most times in my life I'll admit I didn't really know what the hell I was doing, but I did a little. I had an idea anyway. This time its different. I have literally no idea what I want to do. Because I can really do anything I want. That's what's making this so difficult. I have a chunk of baht saved up (which is a lot for me, but a little in the real world) and nothing holding me back except for a few things I gotta sell or give away and a supportive man, as always. I could go live and work in New Zealand. I could backpack and teach in South America. I could stay in Thailand and live at the beach. I could go back to America and get a big kids job or go back and just eat a bunch of food before heading out again. To where? When? I just can't be bothered with these questions right now, I just want to go and not worry about the day after today, for the first time in my life.

I love writing and during my time living abroad writing my blog has been one of my main grounding points of sanity. Lately I have been working so much I have hardly had the time to even think to myself except late at night before I fall asleep, running on fumes with the occasional weekend away or night out to keep me going. Life is full and I am thankful to be living life, no matter the silly stresses it may be causing me. I wish not to make my dreams come true but to wake up in the morning and remember what my dream was about. These are the times in a person's life that make them stronger, the moments that matter the most when growing up. Thankfully I realize at my ripe age of 26 that its not whether the decision is right or wrong but that it will all work out if I just do what I feel.

Thanksgiving was yesterday and I enjoyed an amazing feast at Bourbon Street with my Bangkok family, and while I stuffed myself on the best mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie I have had in years, my feelings of homesickness started to rise again. Until the past couple months, I have not ever really felt very homesick for America. Yes, I miss my friends and family (and of course Target) but never have I felt the twinge of yearning for my homeland so strongly. Moving out of America was the best decision I have ever made because it has helped me truly realize how lucky I am to live the life I do. I wonder if going back will ever be the same, I am still scared to return, for fear it will take me another 23 years to leave again, even though I know that won't happen. Am I ready to go back to a world where I understand whats going on around me? Won't that frustrate me more than not having any idea whats happening?

Who knows where I will be at this time next month. It's a little scary that I have no idea but mostly its invigorating, I have always loved new beginnings. If I have any actual readers left, I hope you aren't bored with my inner mind trying to work itself out and forgive me as I continue my struggle to figure my shit out in a public forum where I tell story with only humility. I am beginning to think this journey to "find myself" is not going to end anytime soon...


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3 comments:

  1. Wait wait but I thought you were moving to the south to teach in December??

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  2. yeah i still might, but thats the thing, for the first time in my life I can do anything I want. and i don't really wanna have a real job for a while... i dunno still figuring it out, we'll see what happens!

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  3. You should backpack. Do it!!

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